So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize