if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
