yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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