Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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