You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
