I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
