so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
