Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
