I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
