you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
