Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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