I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's shark week go big or go home
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
