the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
