I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
