I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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