so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's rum buckets o'clock
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
