i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
