I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
