Someone shit on the floor
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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