listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
