but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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