Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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