Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
