You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize