Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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