I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
