I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
