laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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