The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
