did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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