Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
