I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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