Please, let me fuck your mom
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
