im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize