I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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