; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
