Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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