Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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