The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
