I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
