She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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