i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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