i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
