sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
