Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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