You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
did you just send me my own nude
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
