Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
