my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
