we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
