I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
