I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
