I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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