Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
