Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
