It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
