Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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